桑德·史密斯
SandeSmith
Aarentsinceshewasfifteen,myseventy-six-year-oldmotherusedtolongforthedaywhenshecouldjustsitanddonothing。Nomoretakingcareofthechildren。Nomoreworryingaboutwhethertherewasenoughmoneytoaythebills。Nomoreresonsibilities。
Shegotherwish。Everydaynow,shesitsinanursinghome,taingherfingersonherchairinasyncoatedrhythmthatremindsmeofbebo,talkingtoherselfaboutherfather,whodiedwhenshewaseight。
“Mildred……Mildred。”Isay。
Shelooksuatme,hereyesbrighten,andhersmilerevealssnaggleslikethoseofafive-year-old。“Comehere,babydoll,”shesays。
Irushovertoher,ullcloseachair,andsitdown。
“Hey,Mildred,howareyou?”IdontcallherMommyanymore。ShedoesntanswertoMommy。
MymotherwasdiagnosedwithAlzheimersin1984,rightafterIgraduatedfromcollege。Whileinschool,Isawsignsthatsomethingwaswrong。Often,whenIwouldcallhome,shewouldbeusetbecauseshedlosthermoney。“Mommyneverloseshermoney。”Idthink。
Ifoughtthedisease。Throughchangesindoctors,diet,andmedicine,andthroughtheadditionofChineseherbs,mymothershealthimroved。Shelostseventy-fiveoundsandregainedherabilitytoconversewithothereole。Yet,desiterofoundhysicalimrovement,theAlzheimerscontinuedtounravelhermindoverthenextsixyears。
Ilivedwithmymotherfrom1984to1990,astheillnessslowlytookitstoll。Itwasaallingtowatchherchangerightinfrontofme。Shedidntjustforgetthings。Shebecameadifferenterson-onewhomIdidnotrecognize。Whenmyboyfriendwouldwatchtelevision,shedwalkincirclesaroundhischair,mutteringunderherbreathandscowling。Sheketahammerhiddeninherroomandwieldeditattheslightestrovocation。Ifshegotoutofthehouse,shedrefusetocomebackin。Instead,shewouldrundownthestreet,callingfortheolicetohelher。Shedcometobelievethatshewasaoliceofficer-aconvictiontouchedoffbyaletterinvitinghertotakethecivilservicetest。Onlyanotheroliceofficercouldconvincehertocomeintothehouse。
Thisisnotmymother,Iwouldtellmyself。Mymotherhadnointerestinmen;thisersoncalledmenovertoherwindow。Mymothernevercried,yetthiswomanbrokeintotearsattheslightestthing。Mymotheralwaysaearedoliteandgood-natured。Thiswomanwasquick-temeredandslightlyaranoid。Shemovedmagazines,silverware,dishes,andclothingaroundthehouse。WhenIaskedabouttheobjects,shedbecomeangryandyellatmeforthinkingshehaddonesomethingwrong。Shetoldmethatothereole,notshe,hadmovedthesethings。
“Comehere,”shedsayforcefully,grabbingmyhandandullingmeintoherroom。“Listen。Doyouhearthem?Theytookit。”
Tolearnmoreaboutthedisease,mysisterandIattendedgrousforfamiliesofAlzheimersatients。Welearnednottoblamemymotherforthingsshesaidordid。TheAlzheimerswastalking,nother。
Asthediseaserogressed,mymothergrewfrightened。Shedsay,“Whatshaeningtome?WhycantIremember?”
BeforeAlzheimers,mymotherneveradmittedfearorsadnesstome。Now,shebecamestrangelyfreewithheremotions,cryingwhenfrightened,exressingangerwhenfurious,andlaughingwhenexhilarated。AsIreleasedmyercetionsofwhomymotherwassuosedtobe,webothbecamecalmer。
IusedeverythingIcouldtostayconnectedtoherasshelosttheabilitytoengageinthehallmarksoflinearlife。Mymotherhadalwaysloveddancing。WhenIcamehomefromwork,IdturnonTinaTurnerorJanetJackson,andwewoulddanceanddance。Idlayherfavoritesongsontheiano,andshedlaceherhandontooftheoldurightandsingeachnoteandeveryworderfectly。
Asmymothersillnessrogressed,IsawthatIcouldnotrovidethecaresheneeded,soIdecidedtoutherinanursinghome。Nowthatshesaway,Idreadthedaywhenshewillnolongerknowme。Sometimessheseemslosttome。Butthensomethinghaens,suchasmywedding。Eventhoughsheexressednointerest,Ineededherthere。Onmyweddingday,shemarchedinwithmyfather,stemother,aunts,uncles,andcousins。Shesatbehindme,occasionallymurmuringintimetotheministersseechasheouredlibations。Whenitcametimeformetostand。shelookedatmeandsangoutroudly,“Thatsmygal。”Iturnedtoher。“Yes,Mom,itsme。”
WhenIvisitherinthenursinghome,wedontcarryontyicalconversations。Rather,ItalkaboutmydayandactoutAnansitales。OrImassageherarms,shoulders,andhands。Shegrabsmyarmandcradlesit,talkingallthewhileabouthowshelovesbabies。AndwhenIfeellikeababymyself,wishingIcouldjusttellallmytroublestomymotherandknoweverythingwillbeallright,sheholdsmyhandtightoratsmyhead,andImcomforted。
WhenItelleole,theirfacesdro。“Youoorthing,”theysay。Perhastheytellmeaboutlovedoneswhobecameunrecognizableastheirbrainsdegenerated,ravagedbyAtzheimers。
Thosewhoityme,however,donotknowthewholestory。WhileIhatethedisease,IhavelearnedtoaccetandbenurturedbythisnewMildred,whostillmaintainstheessenceofmymother。Myknowledgeofmymotherisinmyveryskin,asisherknowledgeofme。NotevenAlzheimerscantakethataway。
我的母亲在她15岁的时候就有了第一个孩子,现在她已经76岁了,她以前一直希望有一天能够不用再照看小孩,不用再担心是否付得起账单,不用再承担那么多责任,总之就是坐下来,什么事情也不用做。
母亲终于实现了这个愿望。现在,她每天坐在养老院里,一边讲述着8岁时失去的父亲,一边用手指敲着椅子,那节奏使我想起了比博普(爵士乐的一种)。
我叫着:“米尔德蕾德……米尔德蕾德。”
她就会把头仰起来,笑得露出了牙齿,眼睛也有了神采,好像一个5岁的孩子。然后她对我说:“宝贝儿,到这儿来。”
我就赶紧跑过去,拉一把椅子,靠近她的身旁坐下来。
“嗨,米尔德蕾德,你好吗?”我已经不叫她妈妈了,因为她对这个称呼已经没有反应了。
1984年,母亲被诊断出阿尔茨海默病——又名老年痴呆症,那年我刚刚大学毕业。在上学的时候,我就感到有一些不好的迹象。那时,我打电话回家,她就显得很不安,因为她常常丢钱。
我开始与母亲的疾病作斗争,不断地更换医生、药物、调整饮食,还求助了中医,母亲的健康状况终于得到了改善。她减掉了75磅的体重,并且恢复了与人沟通的能力。虽然母亲的身体状况得到了很大改善,然而,在此后的6年中,她继续遭受着阿尔茨海默病的摧残。
1984年至1990年,疾病对母亲的身体健康造成了极大的损害。那段时间,我一直和母亲住在一起,她就在我的眼前发生着变化,很令人震惊。她不仅忘事,而且变得让我感到陌生。我的男朋友坐在椅子上看电视的时候,她就会满脸愁容,一边围着椅子转圈,一边嘀嘀咕咕。她还将一把大锤子藏在自己的房间里,稍微受到刺激,就会抓起锤子乱挥。她一旦走出家门,就不愿再回来,总是一边顺着街道奔跑,一边喊警察救命。从前,母亲收到过一封通知她参加公职考试的信,这使她逐渐确信自己就是一名警官。只有真正的警官来了,才能把她劝回家。
我总是对自己说,这不是我的母亲。她总是把男人叫到自己的窗前,而我的母亲对男人没有兴趣;她一碰到事情就哭,而我的母亲从不哭泣;她脾气暴躁,还有点妄想,而我的母亲脾气温和又有礼貌。她把屋子里的杂志、银器、盘子和衣物搬来搬去,我一问她东西放在哪里时,她就会变得很愤怒,以为我责怪她做了错事,冲着我喊叫,说东西是别人搬的,不是她搬的。
她语气强烈地对我说:“过来”,然后抓住我的手把我拉进了她的房间,“听,你听到他们发出的声音了吗,是他们搬的。”
为了更多地了解这种疾病,我和姐姐一起参加了专为阿尔茨海默病患者家属举办的聚会。通过参加这次聚会,我们学会了不再因为她说错话或做错事而责备她,因为那些都是阿尔茨海默病造成的,不是她的错。
母亲的病情越来越严重,她自己也越来越害怕,她说:“我到底做了什么事情,为什么不记得了呢?”
从前没得病的时候,母亲在我的面前从来不会表现出恐惧或伤心。现在,她受到惊吓就会叫喊,感到愤怒就会发火,觉得开心就会大笑,奇怪而自由地表达自己的情感。当我不再以自己的意愿去要求母亲时,我们两个人都平静了许多。
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